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The Search for a Vice President
After examining dozens of potential running mates, I have worked the list down to eight finalists. Of course, this is all pending their approval, since I haven't actually asked any of them about it yet. Here they are, in no particular order:
Credentials: Co-Founder and CEO of Opera Software, makers of the best damn web
browser on Earth.
Tetzchner's leadership of Opera Software has led the web to a new golden age -- or, at least it will, when people actually start using their products like they should be. With him as Vice President, he could not only destroy Bill Gates, but could bring about the same kind of wonderous change to America that he has brought to Web surfing.
Credentials: World-Famous Sousa scholar -- and, on occasion, is John Phillip Sousa.
I figure one of the biggest stumbling blocks to me becoming the President of America is that I'm not American. So, to counter that, my campaign manager suggested I find a really American VP -- and who could be more American than a guy who goes around the world dressing up like Sousa?
Al Gore
Credentials: Served as U.S. Vice President from 1993 to 2000. From the future.
In a recent exclusive interview I did with Al, he revealed to me that he had been sent back in time from a cold and desolate future, as mankind's last hope of salvation from the bugs, on a mission to stop the fires of ecological devastation before it is too late. Plus, he seemed to do well the first time he was VP, so why not invite him on with me?
Credentials: Served as U.S. Senator for Arizona from 1985 to present.
Now, please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that Sen. McCain is a pain, I'm saying he's The Pain -- as in, when you say, "Here comes The Pain," he walks into the room. It's meant as a compliment, all the way.
My primary reason for choosing him is, in fact, that his last name rhymes with "pain." I just really dig that.
Credentials: Author of syndicated "Miss Manners" newspaper column.
Actually I don't really like her that much, and I can't for the life of me remember how she made it to the finalist stage.
Credentials: Creator of the Pokémon video game series.
Mr. Tajiri is my attempt to appeal to the young people of America. Yes, I know what you're thinking: perhaps I'm appealing to people too young to vote with this choice. That is, for the most part true -- but, while they may be too young to vote, they are never to young to bug their yuppie parents to vote for the Pokémon guy.
G-Dawgg Money
Credentials: Has Mad Skillz.
A big part of my platform is that I'm not like other politicians. And since the big stereotype of politicians is that they go around kissing babies, I figured I could make a point by inviting someone who eats babies to be my running mate. Plus he can pump out the phat beats on a tuba like nobody else.
Sakura Katakana
Credentials: Yumiko's age-old nemesis.
Ugh... I hate to admit it, but my older sister just might wind up being of some assistance to me after all. She has always been a powerful adversary -- but she is powerful. (Just between you and me, though, I could take her in a fight any day.) And we've had to work together in trying situations before, so it might just work. If I can get her to stop being such a bitch, that is.