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Mailbag Archives (Feb/Mar 2001)

Mr. Johnny Five writes in from the military:

Topic: 3rd Movie

I really had a lot of fun making my first two movies, but I really wanted to make a "Short Circuit 3". If president, would you ensure that I could have the movie made?

Such a movie would be subject to my new SQA (Sequel Quality Assurance) policy. I'd be all for a third Short Circuit, but before such a movie were released, it would need to pass rigorous tests ensuring that it did the first two movies justice. All too many series have been tainted by the presense of a bad second or third movie.

Mega Man (don't ask what the link is all about, I don't know), from Dr. Light's Lab, asks me this:

Topic: Robot Equality

I read your responses to Optimus Prime's e-mail, and I am very concerned about not being equal to humans. I am more than equal, and if not for me, humanity would be ruled by Dr. Wiley.

Exactly my point -- how would Dr. Wiley rule over humanity? With robots! How would you like it if each and every one of those goofy little hard hat robots could have pressured their senators into anti-blue-guy-with-a-plasma-cannon-for-an-arm legislation, huh? Would you like it that way? HUH? I didn't think so. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm just not going to budge on this issue.

Ivan Ovitch writes from the frozen lands of Siberia.

Topic: Cold War

Will you bring back the cold war if president? I'd really appreciate it.

In all likelyhood, no. I don't plan to fool around with inane arms buildups and goofy propaganda in the event of a conflict, I'd much rather just silently destroy my enemy from the outset.

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This, my friends, is the very thing I have set out to destroy, for it is an unsightly blemish on the face of our otherwise pure Earth. Wretched art thou, Winvite.com, for the unsolicited means by which you advertise marr the spirits of all who become entangled in your daemonic web. Forever shall you sleep in Hell!

Kenny Rogers wrote this:

Topic: Johnny Cash

How dare you post Johnny Cash singing my tune? I am outraged.

On a warm summer's evening, on a train bound for nowhere, I met up with Johnny Cash, we were both too tired to sleep. So we took turns starin' out the window at the darkness, but boredom overtook us, and he began to speak. He said, "Ma'am, I've made my life, from readin' people's faces, and knowin' what the cards were, by the way the held their eyes. So if you don't mind me sayin', I can see you're out of aces, for a taste of your sake, I'll give you some advice."

... besides, I figured that since you not only let Wyclef and Pharoh Monch do a rap remix of the song, but sang along with them when they did, you wouldn't really mind Johnny Cash singing it.

Chris Hazard writes us once more:

topic: more syntactic english

if you were president, will you be declaring a specificiation on the english language? also, could you make it more like c++?

Why bother making a spec for the English language? If I did, Netscape would just flagrantly ignore it, W3C would contort the spec and then tack on some contrived extensions, and Microsoft would release their own version of it that would work half as well but would be forced onto the linguistics community anyway.

And I don't think you want me to make English more like C++. That would mean English would be case-sensitive, and you'd need to get back in the habit of using the 'shift' key.

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