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Mailbag Archives (Jan 2001)

This question comes to us from The Mighty Wolflord, coming to us straight from the Evil that lurks in hearts of men.

Topic: Diamonds are for never

What do you plan to do about those bastard DeBeers people? they are ruining our ability to buy jewlery for what it is actually worth

Yeah... the problem with exposing DeBeers is that they already flagrantly advertise their sinister plots: to strip away every ounce of your soul, leaving behind nothing but a shadow of your former self wearing some superficial material possessions. I think our only option in their case is a forceful takeover of their diamond mines, and cleaving the remnants of their corporation in twain.

Howlin' Knowles writes me from the Mississippi River Delta:

Topic: College Bowl

Yumiko, if you are elected President, would you do everything in your power to ensure that future Valparaiso University College Bowl tournaments are consistently fair?

I certainly would. A well-trained ninja must not only possess a large store of trivial knowledge, but the ability to recall such knowledge quickly and confidently under pressure. Under circumstances such as a "College Bowl" competition, all citizens have the right not only to competent readers but to rules that don't screw them over should the reader make a mistake, since they have enough to worry about already.

Shadow, a fellow ninja (except this one's from Final Fantasy 3/6) asks this:

Topic: Square Soft's Future

My question is as such: what will happen to Square Soft if all businesses are destroyed? Square soft will then not be able to fulfil its dream of "The world is Square". Please comment on this.

Don't worry, I'd never hurt Squaresoft -- I have almost as much of a debt of gratitude to them as you do. I've never really considered Squaresoft a "Business" so much as I've considered them "A bunch of people who make neat stuff." There's a not-so-subtle difference there.

While we're talking about Squaresoft, however, I have noted that America suffers from a large release-date gap between Japan, and, if elected, I will do everything within my power to close that gap. Nintendo is by far the worst perpetrator in this matter, keeping an unseemly 10 months between the US and Japanese of Pokémon Gold/Silver... and the US never even saw SquareSoft's Final Fantasy V until they re-released it, years later, as part of an anthology. I have a crack squad of translators ready to head to Japan and work along side the Japanese writers to narrow the release-date gap to as little as three days to allow for overseas shipping.

Topic: Capes

If you become president, will you bring capes back into style? I've been missing them for a long time.

Hell yeah! Capes rule! If elected, capes will be standard issue for my Legions of World Conquest, and earlier studies have shown that the styles worn by large military regimes bent on total domination soon after seep into civilian fasion.

Topic: I am more Powerful than you.

How could anyone become president in 2004 when all know that I shall inherit the earth?

Looks like someone wants me to bring the noise. It must be his lucky day, because it just so happens that Yumiko's Noise Delivery Service offers same day air. I could so take you on any day. You are nothing to me. Call forth your astronomical minions, see if I care! They'd be nothing I haven't dealt with before!

Dr. Surma wrote this:

Topic: This is a test page

Your question, comment, or concern:

And then this a few minutes later:

Topic: Your form is confusing

I couldn't help but to notice that your form was very confusing. You should have a prompt asking whether or not the user would like to fill out the form first. Thank you for your time.

Heh heh heh... this one kinda speaks for itself. I bet he's found a way to lose at Communist Connect Four, too. Seriously, though, any time you sign up for one of his classes, a little dialog should pop up out of nowhere asking "Do you really want to take this class?"

Some L33t hAx0r (whose location I was unable to trace since he fprotted my BIOS) wrote in asking this:

i dont need any skin treatment thanxs

question: do yuo suppourt hax0ring? ti's gud for me adn many othurss

I only support l33t hax0ring, no other kind. If elected, I shall grant a full pardon to Jeff K.

Optimus Prime comes to us with his concern:

Topic: Robot Equality

I was wondering about your opinion of equality of robots. Are you for ammendments such as robot suffrage, and robot equality?

I most certainly am not! Do you realize just how many times I've had to defeat some menacing robotic thingamagig? If they're not being controlled by some evil genius in a volcanic hideaway, they've malfunctioned and are destroying things left and right, or just generally getting into trouble. And now you want suffrage? Yeah right. Yes, yes, I know, there are good robots, too. But until the good robots can beat some sense into the bad robots, I'm afraid my position stands.

This question was sent in by Johnny Cash, from the Good Old US of A:

Topic: Your experience

Do you know when to hold 'em? Know when to fold 'em? Know when to walk away? Know when to run? Do you ever count your money, when you're sittin at the table, 'cause there'll be time enough for countin, when the dealin's done?

The short answer to that is yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.

A ninja must develop a keen intuition about how likely his or her current mission is to succeed -- This skill alone will serve you greater than any of your others. A ninja must know when to hold 'em; when a daunting yet surmountable situation arises, a ninja must have the wisdom and courage to face a challenge that other, inexperienced types might shy away from. Likewise, he or she must be able to sense when further efforts would be futile, -- when to fold 'em -- far enough in advance to make a graceful withdrawal, completely undetected. As the great Praetor Fenix once said, "There is no dishonor in defeat, so long as the spirit is not vanquished."

On the same token of withdrawal, a ninja must be able to balance the advantages of a quick getaway against a silent getaway -- essentially, to know when to walk away and when to run. While running away is a natural instinct and perhaps the best option for a ninja whose cover has already been blown, walking, or even crawling, away may prove a stealthy, more desireable alternative.

And finally, a ninja must constantly be assessing his or her own condition, including resources and stamina. They must constantly be counting their money while sittin' at the table, despite the fact that there will be time for countin' when the dealin's done. Before anyone has a chance to overcome their adversary, they must first have a firm grasp on how their adversary might overcome them. Self-assessment after the fact is nothing but a superfluous narcissistic effort.

Topic: Tnediserp

I ma rouy rorrim egami. Woh nac uoy nur rof tnediserp tuohtiw em?

I hate you! I hate you with a firey passion!! Do you know how many great hiding places have been ruined by the fact that there's a casually-placed mirror that had just happened to be placed in such a way to expose an otherwise perfectly concealed perch? BUGGER OFF!

Another one from a L33t hAx0r... my intuition tells me it's the same one, but he tarballed my IP so I can't check on it.

Topic: RaW B|NAREE

do yuo supporte Raw B|NAR33 f0rmat?

01011001 01100101 01110011 00101110

Chris Hazard (of Hazardous Software fame) comes to us from Wisconsin with this concern:

Topic: your website pictures

how come you don't have a picture of yourself on your website? all are just drawings of you. at least you could do is have a 3d image of yourself. i'm just concerned, because i like to know that you're a true being, and not a sentient ai gone bad.

A ninja must constantly be concealing her true self. Photographs are revealing, 3D images even more so; should my adversaries come across my 'schematics' and analyze them, it is possible -- however unlikely -- that they may find a weakness... and exploit it.

As far as the sentient AI gone horribly bad concern, it is certainly valid, but fear not. Evil AIs look like this, and usually don't fool around with becoming president but usually shoot straight for becoming God.

Minus, the Biggest Loser on Campus, writes to us from in Tha House at WVUR.

Topic: Equal Air Time

Yumiko, if you are elected, would you be able to guarantee that DJs around the world receive ample opportunity to spread their messages over the airwaves of America, without having to deal with such petty hassles as being pre-empted for sports coverage on college radio stations? Such pre-emptions hinder not only the deliverance of phat beats unto the masses, but also the malevolent musings of Das Evil Head...

Actually, this is the kind of situation where I'd advocate the citizens taking the law into their own hands, reaping vengeance by their own means. I mean, no matter how utterly weak and helpless you might be, if you really do have Das Evil Head on your show like you say, there's a thousand things he could do to fix up the situation. Like hold the basketball team hostage, defile the chapel with minions of pure evil, or just trash the whole campus for all I care... I'm sure you can figure something out.