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Yumiko Hiragana for President Pope
6/05/04: Announcing some Changes
OK, folks. It seems the American people have spoken. They don't want a ninja for president. They don't want anyone cool for president. They all want to see a fuck-tard match wits with a douche bag come November. So screw 'em. Every last one of the bastards. I'm too good for you. Americans, you had your chance and you spat on it. With that sentiment, I would like to formally announce my withdrawal from the 2004 U.S. Presidential race and at the same time announce my candidacy for Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church.
Yeah, that's right. One bad election doesn't mean I should give up -- so I'm raising the stakes. Why the papacy? Well, it's pretty simple, really. Let's do a comparison:
| US President | Pope |
|---|---|
| • Leads a nation of slightly over 250 million citizens | • Leads a religious denomination of over one billion adherents |
| • Bulk of citizenship in North America | • Practicioners spread across the globe |
| • Forced to endure a system of checks and balances with two other governmental branches | • Declared infallible and given divine authority |
| • Maximum rule of eight years, re-election required after first four | • You're pretty much in office for life |
Really speaks for itself, doesn't it? I know I'll be facing lots of obstacles. Seldom has a Pope been elected who wasn't Italian, for instance. And they have a strange aversion to electing a female pope, too. And I'm not sure how keen they'd be on having someone who isn't even Catholic. But history wasn't made by people who said "Oh, this road's closed. Better take the detour." If movies have taught us anything, it's that crashing through barricades is awesome, and that's exactly how I intend to reach my goals.
I've got some changes planned once I get the funny hat -- and it's only fair that you, the good people of the world, know my intentions. Here is what I would use my power to do:
- Promise to the world that I will get to the bottom of all that stuff in The DaVinci Code, and totally come clean on everything I find.
- Declare that nothing as beatiful as hot girl-on-girl action could ever possibly be a sin.
- Formally apologize for each one of the Crusades, indulgences, the Spanish Inquisition, the Witch hunts, the... hot damn, this is a long list -- I'd be here all day if I went through everything.
- Issue a proclamation that, while Miracle Whip&tm; is not miraculous in and of itself, the underlying physics and chemistry that make Miracle Whip&tm; possible are a testament to God's awesome power and thus they shall be allowed to keep the word "Miracle" in the name of their product.
- Ninja-kick Pat Robertson in the head and tell him to shut up.
Oh, and I've fired my old campaign manager and hired Johnny Smash instead. Despite what I may have said about the kid in the past, I think his X-treme antics and patented In-Your-Face methodology will really speak to today's College of Cardinals.
Peace out,
Yumiko