Random IdHOP News Archive

[Fade in to scenes from feudal Kyoto, Japan, that eventually dissolve into scenes of feudal Kyoto, Japan as pictured in Civilization III. Pan out to reveal Ky sitting at his computer in his room, playing Civ 3, completely oblivious to anything that isn't Civ 3. The phone rings. Twice. Three times.]

Ky: BAH!

[He picks up the phone and chucks it out the window, where it is struck by a semi and destroyed, never to ring a fourth time. A couple minutes pass, and the second line phone begins to ring, several times. Ky impales it with the American flag, but it keeps ringing. Eventually, he caves in and answers it.]

Ky: Yo?

Glen [on the phone]: Yo.

Ky: 'Sup?

Glen: Not much. I'm on my way into town, I should be back in a half hour or so.

Ky: What for?

Glen: Um, for Christmas...

Ky: [some incoherent screaming about filthy Aztec whores]. Christmas? You're home for that this early?

Glen: Dude, Christmas is in two days!

Ky: What? No... you mean I've been playing Civ 3 for an entire month straignt?

Glen: I wouldn't put it past you. So, is it going to be too late for me to swing by when I get into town?

Ky: Nah, I'll still be up. Trust me. Don't ring the doorbell, everyone else is sleeping. I'll leave the door unlocked for you, just walk in.

Glen: OK, see you in a bit.

[Ky hangs up the phone]

Ky, to himself: Hmm, I haven't gotten any shopping done... I should probably try to find someplace that's still open. I'll just get to a good stopping point...

[He returns to Civ 3, and the zombified state that goes with it. After quite some time, a storm begins and we hear a horse gallop and a loud, nearby crash. Ky notices, but doesn't really seem to care at the moment, until a Scottish man on a horse kicks down the door to his room. Cue traditional bagpipe music.]

Scottish Man on Horse [turning to Ky]: I be yuir uncle, ARGYLE.

Ky [not at all thinking anything might be wrong or unusual about this whole mess]: but I don't have an uncle Argyle...

Argyle: Aye, that is something we'll have to remedy. Ye see, lad, I hear ye have forgotten the spirit of Christmas, and that's not good, for it may bring --

Ky: No, no, you've got it wrong, I didn't forget the spirit of Christmas, I just forgot about Christmas itself. And I didn't so much forget as I lost track of --

Argyle [enraged]: SILENCE! Donna talk back ta me until ah'm finished talking to ye, ye wee, tim'rous, sleekit cowrin' beastie of a haggis! As ye have forgotten the spirit of Christmas, it may bring upon a curse unto your mortal soul, from which the only cure...

[long pause. At this point in his speech, the camera zooms in disturbingly close to Argyle's face]

...BE DEATH.

[right about now his horse starts to immolate.] Know this, and ye may still be saved: The spirits three shall visit thee in the dark of night, heed their words, or there shall be no survivors!

[with this, Argyle and his horse disappear in a burst of flame.]

Ky: Cool.

[fade out. digital clock ticks 11:59:58 ... 11:59:59 ... 12:00:00]

Ghengis Khan: If you do not bow to me, then you shall be destroyed!

[cut to new scene] A Random Monk: Your unending desire for Trix is the cause of your suffering, young rabbit.

[cut] O.P. Kretzmann: Wipe them out...

[cut] Zummi Gummi: Lummite cumman dummle nummow!

[cut] Godzilla: IIAAAAAHHHHH!

[cut] Some Random Professor: Can't you see our world is coming apart at the seams?

[cut] O.P. Kretzmann: ... All of them.

[fade out again]

The following events occur between 12:00 AM and 1:00 AM on the morning of Christmas Eve.

Events occur in realtime.

[Fade in. Ky is still in his room, still at his computer, still playing Civ 3, when a voice calls out from nowhere.]

The Voice of James Earl Jones: Good evening. I am James Earl Jones. [disembodied applause] Come, join me on a journey -- into the Past!

[Ky watches the game year counter start going backwards from 1848 and his civilization, in turn, devolving back into nothing.]

Ky: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[The game year speeds backwards until it stops at 12,150 BC. Ky is in such disbeleif at the hours of investment in his empire that he has just lost, that it hasn't quite clicked that he's no longer in his room, but in an arctic tundra, standing next to James Earl Jones. We hear some faint bells ringing and see a tribal village in the distance.]

James Earl Jones: Welcome. You may have guessed who I am.

Ky: Yeah, you're James Earl Jones.

James Earl Jones: [laughs], no, I am the Spirit of Christmas Past. And I have brought you here -- Christmas morning, over fourteen thousand years ago. Follow me.

[The two start treading through the snow towards the village.]

Ky: So, where are we?

James Earl Jones: Not far from the Bering Land Bridge, in a land that will one day be called Alaska.

[They enter the village, pass a group of carolers singing in a forgotten language to the tune of "The First Noel," and a giant Christmas tree in the center of the village.]

Ky: Something is... strange about all this. I can't put my finger on it, though.

James Earl Jones [points to a speaker adressing a small crowd]: Take a look there, perhaps you will figure it out.

[A rather deep-voiced woman is addressing a crowd in a language that linguistic scholars might be able to guess is a distant predecessor to Inuit tongues, but is completely unknown to the two observers... but, after listening for a while, she shouts "Sig heil" and gives the familiar arm gesture.]

Ky: Wait a second... these are Transsexual Nazi Eskimoes! I had heard about them in song, but never thought they actually existed! But, wait... I didn't think the Nazis were fond of Eskimoes or Transsexuals, aren't these people living contradictions?

James Earl Jones: No, you fool, you're not thinking four-dimensionally! These people make no mistake. It was Hitler who got things all wrong. The original Nazi movement was a proto-Inuit transgendered awareness campaign in the 122nd century B.C.E. Hitler adopted their name, symbols, and mannerisms, but contorted their peaceful creed by way of deliberate mistranslation into a twisted and perverse genocidal regime.

Ky: Ohhh.... that bastard. Is this what you brought me here to show me? Am I supposed to be learning something from this?

James Earl Jones: Just a little bit of revisionist historical trivia for you, that's all. I figured you'd like it. But now we must move on, there is more for you to see.

[The scenery around them dissolves into a blur, and then comes into focus again as the ancient city of Çatal Hüyük.]

James Earl Jones: The year now is 6722 BC, Christmas Eve, and, as you can plainly see, we are in Çatal Hüyük. Watch closely, for many things you thought you knew may turn out otherwise.

[The two walk into the city marketplace, where two men are quarreling, and this time they're subtitled. One man, a heavy-set, bearded man, seems to be a customer and the other a jeweler.]

Customer: Your domination of the obsidian trade is outrageous! Mark my words, you shall be first up against the wall when the revolution comes!

Jeweler: Ha ha ha, foolish one, there will be no revolution! For we, who control the obsidian... [his eyes turn red and his face turns nasty and hideous] controls the world! Mwa ha ha!

Customer: Your reign of terror is over! [he grabs a banner, which happens to be red, and runs to the center of the marketplace.] Working people of Çatal Hüyük, unite! Today we claim what is rightfully ours, and redistribute the obsidian amongst the people! Communism, communism communism, communism, communism!

[The customer then hurls the flag like a javelin and impales the jeweler through the heart, the crowd screams, and starts rioting and looting. People start jumping out of windows and stuff, causing general mass chaos.]

James Earl Jones: Now, let us skip ahead to the evening.

[James Earl Jones points to the sun and it sets upon command. The two are now inside one of the dwellings, and the customer from that day is seated at the head of a table, talking to several others.]

Random guy #1: Now that we've looted all the city's obsidian, what do we do with it?

Crowd: Yeah!

Random guy #2: I say we eat it!

Crowd: Yeah!

Customer: No. We must give it back to the people. In the dead of night, we shall creep into their homes and stuff their shoes full of obsidian. But... into the shoes of those who oppose us, we shall stuff not obsidian, but coal!

Crowd: YEAH!

Ky [to James Earl Jones, unheard by the proletariat]: Oh my God, it's Santa Claus.

James Earl Jones: Ha ha ha.

Customer (Santa): And then we must flee. Flee to the north.

Crowd: YEAH!!! [they start rioting and breaking into peoples' homes.]

James Earl Jones: You have seen what I have brought you here to see. Now let us move on.

[The scenery around them dissolves once more, and they reappear in a battle-worn landscape.]

James Earl Jones: We are now in the middle of Europe, on Christmas morning, about 800 BC. People from all over the continent and beyond have come here to claim this spot.

Ky: What's so special about this place?

James Earl Jones [turns around, spreads his arms]: This!

[Cue the kind of music they play in movies whenever they show the great pyramids or some other ancient monument. Camera pans around and does a fly through thing through seven enormous piles of U.S. five-dollar bills. Ky walks up to them, in disbeleif, and grabs handfuls of the Mad Phat Lincolns.]

Ky: What is this place?

James Earl Jones: Have you ever used an ATM? There's a reason they're called Tyme Machines. The U.S. Federal Reserve has been hiding money in the Past since it was founded. Watch closely now, for many of the people you are about to see are your ancestors.

[Cue background music: "Anvil of Crom". Barbarian hordes line up in a complete circle around the horizon, and make a mad dash for the phat cash.]

Barbarian #1: Ja, das ist das übergelt! Bist du acht! Zagenhoff!

Barbarian #2 [creeping behind other barbarians and stabbing them in the back]: You are unwise to turn your back to me, for the shadows are my ally.

[Barbarian #3 says nothing, and just starts taking money... with his mind.]

James Earl Jones: Have you seen enough?

Ky: Yes... I think I've seen too much for one night, actually.

James Earl Jones: Very well, then.

[The landscape blurs again, and Ky finds himself back in his room, and notices that his Civ 3 game has been restored to where it was before he was sucked back into the Past.]

Ky [to himself]: Hey, cool. Civ 3.

[he sits down to play some more. fade out. digital clock ticks 12:59:58 ... 12:59:59 ... 1:00:00]

John Phillip Sousa: Yes, the title "Stars and Stripes Forever" was always intended as a threat.

[cut] George W. Bush: Fear leads to terror...

[cut] The guys from Phonebashing.com: KILL MOBILE PHONES! HEEA HAA AHA!

[cut] George W. Bush: Terror leads to hate...

[cut] Mickey Mouse: Oh no, I'm about to go public domain!

[cut] George W. Bush: Hate leads to evildoing!

[cut] Al Gore [in seppuku position]: There is nothing for me here!

[cut] Keanu Reeves: Whoa.

[fade out again]

The following events occur between 1:00 AM and 2:00 AM on the morning of Christmas Eve.

Events occur in realtime.

[Fade in. Ky, yes, is still at his computer, playing Civ 3, like he has been more or less for the past month straight now. In the game, the Aztecs have just broken their peace treaty and started nuking Ky's cities left and right.]

Ky: Oh, come on, not again! Ah, just as well. I should probably take a break from this game anyway, seeing as I've played it for a month straight.

[In a stunning display of willpower, he quits the game, back to Windows with his "Games" folder open.]

Ky: Hey, neat, Alpha Centauri! I haven't played that in a while.

[Here we go again... In the faction select screen of Alpha Centauri, Nwabudike Morgan, CEO of Morgan Enterprises, shows up, and starts talking.]

Morgan: Good Evening.

Ky: I don't remember this bit...

Morgan: That's because tonight, this game has been possessed by a spirit, who is talking through me.

Ky: Let me guess... the Spirit of Christmas Present?

Morgan: No, but close. I am the Spirit of Christmas Hip, Fresh, and In The Now. I've noticed that Christmas barely holds a 30% share of the global market, and so I've taken it upon myself to develop a new business paradigm for the Christmas season. Here, come along with me and take a look.

[Ky notices that he is no longer in front of his computer, but in an Epcot Center-style ride thing, with a TV console with CEO Morgan's face on it.]

Morgan: We've started by getting some new music that beats to the happening pulse of the modern day. Although traditional Chrismas carols have high marks on the "can't-get-it-out-of-your-head" scale, they reek of 20th century. Here's just a taste of the new stuff we're developing.

[The ride thing enters a display area where Britney Spears is singing her new hit single, "I'm a soulless little wench," with the Pepsi logo tattooed on her forehead, dancing around like a one-bit harlot.]

Ky: This is absolutely wretched.

Morgan: I beg to differ. The beat of her music follows the pulse of today's youth. Plus she's real.

Ky: No, she is most certainly not real. She is the antithesis of real.

Morgan: Are you saying she's "Unreal?" Ha ha ha, I admire your wit.

Ky: No! Ah, forget it...

[The ride thing passes the area and moves into a hallway decorated with those omnipresent icicle-style christmas lights.]

Morgan: Our experts in R&D have come up with a fresh new look to the traditional Nativity scene. A couple minor changes, but for the most part, we've stayed true to the author's original story. You're gonna like the way it looks -- I guarantee it.

Ky: Now you're making me wish I had paid money to get in here so I could get it back.

[The ride then enters a second hall, with an extravagant Nativity scene. Much of the scene looks familiar -- the Star of Bethlehem, the manger, the shepherds, Mary, Joseph, baby Jesus, the angels... but there are a few odd quirks about it...]

Ky: Well, I see you've replaced one of the three wise men with a wise woman?

Morgan: Yes, we wanted to introduce some sexual tension into the scene. Based on our target demographics, we thought it might be more popular if we made things more like a romantic comedy starring Richard Gere.

Ky [shaking his head]: Dude. Um, who's that other woman next to Mary?

Morgan: That's Martha. Our test market surveys showed some initial confusion between the Virgin Mary, Mary Magdalene, and Mary of Bethany, so we just made them all the same character.

Ky: So you, personally, are just up and changing these things.

Morgan: No, don't think of it so much as "altering" as "edited for television."

Ky: I still like the original better.

Morgan: Well, then, you'll be pleased with our "director's cut" edition.

Ky: Is this ride over yet?

Morgan: We've only just begun!

[the ride car now moves in to a kind of neat looking halway that's meant to look like you're inside a giant snow globe, then the car comes to a stop in the middle of an auditorium.]

Morgan: Would you like to meet our new mascot?

Ky: A mascot?

Morgan: Of course! We sent out some requests to major companies, offering advertisement space as the new Christmas mascot, or "X-Mascot" as we like to call him [chuckles]. Meet Exey, the Anthropomorphic X-Box Controller!

[a spotlight shines on the stage, and out comes a giant-sized (well, for an X-Box controller it's really not that much bigger) X-Box controller with arms and legs and big googley eyes and a great big smile. He starts doing the chicken dance, but not to any music, and just continues with goofy antics, until he trots off-stage. The curtain draws closed.]

Morgan: And if you thought that was good, let me introduce you to our star performers in "X-Treme X-Mas".

[Cue background music: "Dragula" by Rob Zombie. The curtain opens and a winter wonderland set has been reeled in. Eight people wearing reindeer skulls as hats storm onto the stage on mountain bikes and snowboards, who start thrashing and shredding and ice skating uphill. A guy dressed like Santa drives a motorcycle off someone's roof and it explodes in mid air, right after he jumped off and landed on his feet with a sack of presents. He takes a couple gifts out, ties them to bricks, throws them through the windows of nice, cozy homes, and then does a victory dance while the "reindeer" start defacing public property.]

Ky: OK, I've gotta admit, this one is kinda cool.

Morgan: See, I knew we'd find something you'd like. But there's one more thing we've got in store. It's our gem, we've been saving it for last.

[The ride thing starts moving again, through a row of giant candycanes, and comes to a final display room, that has a family in it surrounding something that's hidden under a curtain.]

Morgan: The marketing geniuses at Coca-Cola helped us think this one up. I give to you... Christmas II!

[the curtain is raised to reveal a cross with eight candles lined up on the crossbar.]

Morgan: It's Christmas, but it's celebrated just like Hanukkah! Isn't it great?

Ky: Well, why celebrate Christmas II when you can celebrate Hanukkah?

Morgan [darting around, trying to quick change the subject]: Um, well... hey, you know, we're also working on Christmas Twist, which consists of a month of prayer and fasting, but that still has to be run by our test market.

[at this point, Nwabudike Morgan starts reeling off some statistics and general business babble. Eventually, Ky nods off to sleep. The ride car turns a corner, and the scenery shifts back into Ky's room, with Ky back in his chair, at his computer. He stirs, and is awake, looking at his computer screen with the Alpha Centauri faction select.]

Ky: No, Alpha Centauri is a silly game. It's back to Civ 3 for me.

[fade out. digital clock ticks 1:59:58 ... 1:59:59 ... 2:00:00]

The Atari Teenage Riot: Is this the future -- the future of war? [cue corresponding music]

[cut] The Borg: Resistance is futile.

[cut] Praetor Fenix: I fear no enemy, for the Khala is my strength!

[cut] The Guy from Total Distortion: Which will it be? The Car... or the Laser Cannon?

[cut] General Kvor Arrlson: That is my new waypoint, General. Shall I intercept and engage?

[cut] Praetor Fenix: I fear not death, for our Strength is eternal!

[cut] Random Cyber Warlord: Check.... and mate.

Chapter IV (Chrismas Yet to Come)

The following events occur between 2:00 AM and 3:00 AM on the morning of Christmas Eve.

Events occur in realtime.

[fade in. Ky is, surprise surprise, in his chair. He glances across the room to his clock.]

Ky, to himself: I've got time for one more game. Yeah...

[His mouse cursor heads over to the Civ 3 button and he's about to click when a violent earthquake hits and knocks the mouse out of his hand.]

Ky: Blasting at the quarry? At this hour?

[The whole room starts to shake and rumble. Cue background music: "Those Chosen by the Planet", Nobuo Uematsu. The walls of Ky's room crumble around him and lots of his stuff spontaneously combusts or is struck by falling debris. A figure approaches through the flames.]

Ky, just a little shaken: You... you are the Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come?

Dark Figure: No, you fool. I am Sephiroth. There shall be no Christmas Yet to Come, for I have come to destroy the world before your very eyes.

Ky: ...

Sephiroth: I met up with the Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come on my way here, and I destroyed him and took his power. He was nothing to me.

[Sephiroth levitates into the air and starts laughing, and just causing general destruction throughout the area. Ky runs away, screaming, to find that the once-familiar surroundings of historic Cedarburg, Wisconsin have been replaced by an industrial post-apocalyptic wasteland that puts Gary, Indiana to absolute shame. He runs around aimlessly until he comes across none other than Stan Richardson.]

Ky: Stan Richardson!? What are you doing here?

Stan: Hwa hwa hwa. I am to be your salvation!!

Ky: Not again! Noooooooo!

[Stan Richardson starts laughing until Sephiroth's laughter, in the distance, overpowers it, and Stan is is struck by lightning. Ky runs into a bombed out building... and finds that though the outside of the building is torn apart, inside things are quite fine... except for the fact that Richard Kessler is there.]

Richard Kessler: Hello there. I think I'm the man, and that I'm so cool, and all that. Would you be interested in our new line of "Diamonds That Weren't?" [he gestures to a bunch of rings that have small lumps of coal on them.]

Ky: What? How has this place survived amidst the chaos?

Richard Kessler: It's quite simple, really. I sold my soul to the devil in exchange for protection for me and my precious store. And with my new connections, now you don't even have to pay for my diamonds... you just have to sign here [he takes out a sinister looking contract written on parchment in arcane runes]... in your own blood! Now, would you like to purchase a ring or not?

Ky: No!

Richard Kessler: What? You refuse? No no NOOOOO!

[He begins writhing in pain, as the Earth cracks beneath the floor and demons spring forth into the world, and they start destroying all of his diamond jewelry, and he contorts into a hideous beast.]

Richard Kessler: Noooo... my preciouses, destroyed!

[He then claws his own eyes out, but we don't show that part because that would just be too icky. Ky has run out of the building long ago.]

Ky, running: I've got to find help... But where?

[Ky sees a police station, and runs inside.... only to find out that the entire planet has been overrun by Damn Dirty Apes! Sephiroth's laughter can be heard clearly across the land now, and the Man in the Moon has his mean face on, while comets from Beyond Outer Space start pelting the Earth.]

Ky: No! This can't be our only future! There must be hope! Noooooooo! AAAAAAAAA! Auuuughghghghhgh... Blaauauuauauahhahahahaha... uhhhhhh... uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh..... Auauuauauuauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Mwbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.... uggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. Oauauauuauaaaaaaaaaaaa...

[in his delerious screaming, Ky's room (before it was destroyed) rematerializes around him, and he regains control of his vocal cords.]

Ky: Uhhhh... Uhhh... uhh. Hrm. Yeah. There's still time... The world... it can be saved... woot...

[fade out. digital clock ticks 2:59:58 ... 2:59:59 ... 3:00:00]

Gandalf: Ash nazg durbatulûk,

[cut] Elora: I'm a faun, you dork!

[cut] Random Scientist: You expected to fight a man, and you come instead to confront... a MADMAN!

[cut] Gandalf: Ash nazg gimbatul,

[cut] Jigglypuff: Puff?

[cut] William Wallace: Freeeeedom!

[cut] Gandalf: Ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!

[cut] The Pope: May God have mercy on your souls!

[fade out again]

Chapter V (Conclusion)

The following events occur between 3:00 AM and 4:00 AM on the morning of Christmas Eve.

Events occur in realtime.

[Ky is sitting back in his room, but he's not playing Civ 3 at the moment since he just got back from the dark future or something. In fact, he's taking a good look at the Civ 3 button and he's really tempted to start up another game, when a little mouse scurries up from behind his desk and under his monitor.]

Ky: Awww, it's an itty bitty mouse!

[The mouse then stands up on his hind legs and begins to talk.]

Mouse: Why, hello there. I hope after what you've seen tonight, you've rediscovered the true meaning of Christmas.

Ky: Awww, he's so cuuuuute! Itty bitty mouse! Awwww....

Mouse: Are you hearing a single word I'm saying, kid?

[Out of the corner of his eye, Ky sees through the window that it's finally snowing.]

Ky: Cool! Snow! It's about time!

[Ky picks up the little talking mouse and heads outside.]

Mouse: Hey, put me down! I'm trying to have a serious intellectual discussion with you about the spirit of Christmas. Are you listening to me?

Ky [holding the mouse right up to his face]: Itty bitty fuzzy squishy mouse!!!

[The mouse just sighs, resigned to his situation for the time being. Ky builds a small snowman in his front yard, and then heads off towards downtown. Ky walks through the town (which hasn't been bombed out), seeing nothing reminiscent of the things that the spirits have shown him this night.]

Ky: How wonderful! I never thought I'd be so thankful to see plain old everyday life again... And it's finally winter!

[He continues to walk through the city, and comes to one of the parks, and casually starts to walk through it. As soon as he sets foot on park grounds, six police cars and the really big fire engine with a ladder that reaches to twice the height of the city's tallest freestanding structure spring to life and surround him.]

Police officer #1: You're under arrest! Put your hands on top of your head!

[The mouse squeaks, jumps out of Ky's hands, and scurries away.]

Police officer #2 [on Walkie-Talkie]: We have a suspect fleeing the scene heading north, send backup. Roger that. I copy. 10-4. Bogey on your six. Alpha Seven Niner out.

Police officer #1 [holding a gun]: Hey, buddy, don't you know better than to walk into a park after hours in a town where the police have absolutely nothing better to do?

Ky: I--

[Police officer #3, the typical "Bad Cop", walks up to Ky and bitch slaps him, while Police officer #1 handcuffs him and throws him in the back of a police car. Meanwhile, on the other side of the park, an armored vehicle drives up, three Navy SEALs jump out, grab the talking mouse, and put him in a cage, and drive off.]

[Cut to a scene of Ky's house. A couple police cars drive onto his lawn, and break through his window. We hear some noises of things being broken, and a minute later we see the policemen coming back out the window and stealing the family Christmas tree. One of them kicks the head off of Ky's snowman on his way out. They stuff the tree into the back of their car and peel off.]

[Cut to the police station, where Ky gets thrown into a cell, and the mouse's cage gets placed in the cell next to him. To avoid having a continuity flaw, Ky notices that Glen is in the cell across the hall.]

Ky: Glen? What are you in for?

Glen: Jaywalking across my own driveway. Sorry, I would have been to your place hours ago if these bitches actually had something better to do than arrest people on Christmas Eve.

Ky: Ah, no problem. Some things kinda came up last-minute anyway.

Glen: Bummer. Well, Merry Christmas! [gives the thumbs up.]

Ky: Same to you! [returns the thumbs up.]

[fade out. digital clock ticks 3:59:58 ... 3:59:59 ... 4:00:00]

The End. Merry Christmas!

The Interdimensional House of Pancakes gives special thanks to the following people, parties, and abstract concepts:

An IdHOP Christmas Carol

Chapter I (Prologue)

Chapter II (Christmas Past)

Chapter III (Christmas Present)

Chapter IV (Chrismas Yet to Come)

Chapter V (Conclusion)