1st annual IdHOP Christmas Special (part 3 of 3) ---------------------------------------- [cue music: Nobuo Uematsu, "Those Chosen By The Planet". We are floating in deep space.] James Earl Jones (voiceover): Welcome once more to the First Annual IdHOP Christmas Special. I am James Earl Jones. [An unseen studio audience erupts with cheer] James Earl Jones (voiceover): We begin tonight where we ended last night. With the leader of the free world held hostage by Ninjas, and not one, but two cosmic entities bent on wreaking havoc on all creation, it is indeed a dark day for humanity. But, all is not lost: I am still James Earl Jones. [More insane applause from the audience] James Earl Jones (voiceover): As for the rest of you, it appears your only hope lies in the unlikely duo of Johnny Smash, the X-Tremist, and Mysha, a hyperintelligent white mouse. Before we return to them, let us pause to take a look at the rest of the world, and how the events of the past two nights have affected it. I bring you now to the White House, where Vice President Al Gore and President Elect George W. Bush are just receiving word of Clinton's abduction. [Fade to an office inside the White House. Al Gore is showing George W. Bush around as part of the presidential transition, accompanied by several staff members and secret service members.] Al: Well, here's one room, and over there, across the hall is another room. I've never been in that room. I bet it sucks. I don't know. W.: Hey, let's check it out! This place is neat! Al: I'd rather not. Let's just get this tour over with. W.: Aww, you're no fun. I've never been able to just walk into random rooms before. Back in Texas, if you tried that, you'd likely get shot in the face, ghetto style. [An aide comes rushing into the room] Aide (short of breath): Oh my gosh! President Clinton has been kidnapped! By Ninjas! We're sending out the entire military to try to recover him. Al: Wait... do you know what this means? Aide: Yes... it means we can't let the media find out about this. It'll cause a mass panic! Al: No, that's not what it means. Call off the armed forces. It looks like I get to be president after all. Move over, it's time for the Al show! Aide: Actually, sir, you're only the "Acting President." Clinton's not dead, just missing. Check the 25th amendment. Al (sighs): "Check the 25th amendment." Cripes, who do I look like, Howard Phillips? Now, get out of my way. Guards, seize him!! [points to George W. Bush] Secret Service Man: Uh, sir, it is our sworn duty to protect him. We can't seize him. Al: Grrrr.... W.: Hey, uh, not to ruffle your feathers, but, what about all that stuff about working together you mentioned in your concession speech? Al: It's going to have to wait a month. As for now, Dubya, I'm going to mess things up so badly you're going to wish you were never cloned! [Al storms off somewhere.] W.: Cloned? What's that mean? Oh, wait... I remember now. HEY!! [Fade out. "Meanwhile, in Giza..." Fade to the Great Pyramids at night. Q'ah sits atop one.] Q'ah, in soliloquy style: Behold. All throughout time, my tale has been one of anguish and rejection. My endeavors to join up with the various pantheons of Earth have proved fruitless. I gaze upon the kingdom which is rightfully mine, yet none acknowledge me. Look at them; where would they be without vengeance? Do they not realize that their civilization, and their very nature, is rooted heavily in the quest for retribution of past failures and wrongdoings? No longer shall I sit and watch myself be passed by: it is time for the Dark God of Vengeance to seek Vengeance for himself. Behold my wrath, for this is the Judgement of Q'ah. [cut to a suspiciously familiar doomsday-type scene that appears to be composed of clips from "Godzilla vs. Megalon" and the Gummi Bears episode "Light Makes Right." Fade to the White House lawn, Mysha and Johnny Smash.] Mysha: ok, so, i've made a survey of the white house grounds and -- Johnny: Dude, why are we in D.C. again? This place is like, totally bogus, man. Try to do anything X-TREME and you get beat up by guys wearing black sunglasses. Man, that's so ghetto. Mysha: we're in washington d.c. to try to get access to al gore's time machine! remember, we're trying to return to a time before the christmas special and stop yumiko from kidnapping the president, and while we're at it, we should probably talk the evil head out of forging a tome out of the highest mountain in the land. Johnny: Oh, yeah, that's right. So, like, why are we even bothering? So the president's been kidnapped, big deal! I met him, he wasn't REAL anyway! Mysha: because if we don't, who knows what dire consequenses might result. now, if we sneak through the sewer, and use an old access tunnel, there's a way we can get right into the vice president's chamber, which is where he's probably got his time machine. we'll want to wait until 2:45, that's when our best opportunity will be. are you with me? Johnny: No. I'm just gonna THRASH RIGHT IN!!!!. [Cut to the vice president's chamber. Al Gore is on the phone.] Al: Yeah, so, call up Fidel Castro, and tell him we've been fools all these years, and as a gesture of our newfound friendship, to prove our sincerity, we'd like to offer him the state of Florida ... No, we're not going to tell the Floridians about it, we're just going to do it ... Don't tell me what I can and can't do, I'm the President of the United Bitchin' States ... shut up with that 'Acting' BS. Oh, and while you're at it, bring me the head of Ralph Nader ... I WILL *MAKE IT* LEGAL! Voice from outside the window: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! X-TREME TO THE HARD-CORE!!!!! AW YEAH!! [Johnny Smash breaks through the window to the room.] Al: ... uh, yeah, I've got a little situation I need to deal with, I'll call you back, OK? [hangs up the phone.] Can I help you? Mysha: yes! al, the president has been kidnapped! Al: I know. And I'm loving every minute of it. James Earl Jones (voiceover): I AM JAMES EARL JONES!!!!! [the studio audience lets out a storm of applause] Mysha: you've got to let us use your time machine! Al: I figured someone like you would come along. So I set the time machine to send itself into the future. We won't be seeing it again until January 22. Mysha: what? you bitch! Johnny: YEAH, you're a BITCH! And you're SOFTCORE and I could out THRASH you any day? Wanna FIGHT? HUH? Put your money where your mouth is, why don't you? Al: MWA HA HA!!! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! MWA HA HA! [Al Gore continues lauging] Mysha: johnny... i think i just thought of another way... Johnny: OH yeah???? Mysha: lets step outside. we'll have to wait until dark. [Cut to a blatant rip-off of the Starship Troopers patented news-cast plot interlude, with the exact same announcer.] Announcer: ZERG!! They've got nothing to do with this story completely, but they're hideously evil! Just look at them, on their home planet of Char, waiting to attack the Earth itself! Announcer: In politics today, the President has been Kidnapped! We see here a meeting between Japanese and Sioux, the parties responsible for the abduction of President Clinton! The news has provoked fear and chaos amongst the American populace, spurring riots and wanton destruction! Announcer: And in World news, it seems that the Middle East and southern Europe have been engulfed by The Thousand Plages! Pestilence, Death, War, A Rain of Frogs, Smog, Server Downtime, Water Turning to Blood, and The Oregon Crud are only a few of the disasters converging upon the area! Announcer: And, now, the news from our secret, highly scientific science labs! Scientists say that the Sun, life giving force to all the planet, is turning black as we speak! And what's more, it appears to be frowning at us! Scientists scramble for an explanation! Announcer: Signing off for United Global Media -- We'll Keep Fighting... And We'll Win! [Return to the White House lawn.] Johnny: No way, man, it got dark totally quick, man, what's up with that? The concept just makes my head hurt... Mysha: it means we don't have much time. but soon, we'll have all the time we need. look over this way. [Mysha points her nose towards Sirius, eight light-years away.] do you see that star? Johnny: AW YEAH, I see it, I'Z GOT THE MAD VISION HOOKUPZ!! Mysha: great... well, you see, around that star, there's a mountain. and on top of the mountain, there's a bottle of surge. Johnny: ... SURGE??? SURGE!!!! Mysha: but the thing is, if you don't get to it within the next seven years, someone else is going to beat you to it. Johnny: Say no more. THRASH THE COSMOS!!!!!!!!! [Johnny agressively thrashes through space, and we are treated to a cool time-travel scene kind of like from the ending to Final Fantasy 8, but with the Dark City music playing in the background. They arrive, Johnny downs the bottle of surge (which Mysha had just made a lucky guess that it was actually there), and then, fuelled by pure caffeine, they return to Earth, a couple years before they left]. Mysha: i knew you had a use. great job. Johnny: Aww yeah. I showed that bottle of SURGE who was X-TREME, didn't I? Who's the man? Give it up, y'all. Mysha: now, all we've got to do is prevent the president and the evil head from appearing on the show in the first place Johnny: Hey, I know how we can keep the president away! You know how he said he was glad we never made any jokes about him? Maybe if we make a joke about him now, he won't show up! Mysha: wow, impressive... for you... uh, you have a joke? Johnny: YEAH, I got one: Knock Knock! Mysha: who's there? Johnny: One of Clinton's Interns. Mysha: one of clinton's interns who? Johnny: I DID NOT INHALE!!!!@! Mysha: that was dumb. but i guess it counts. Johnny: OK, now we've gotta find the EVIL HEAD and get him not to come. Mysha: that'll be tough... you see, we're in the past now, and the evil head doesn't have a past, so we're not going to find him. Johnny: Bummer. Mysha: oh, duh, what am i thinking? i'm the one that scheduled him for this gig in the first place. i'll just tell my past self it's a bad idea. problem solved. i guess all we do now is wait... [ Fade out. Back in 2,000 -- Center Stage of E-Line Hall, Ky, Yumiko, Johnny, and Q'ah are on the stage.] Ky: Hey everyone, thanks for coming. I'd like to thank what few guests we could actually get for the show -- Eliza, Trent Reznor, Vanessa-Mae, and Romani and Cremia, and of course our announcer James Earl Jones. [crowd applause] Ky: ... you know, I was kind of hoping Trent and Vanessa could do a duet number, but we needed to fill in space and have them play separately. Oh well... I'm off. Catch you later... [Ky waves, and walks off the stage] Yumiko: I too, shall depart -- silently, with the wind. Such is the way of the Ninja. [Yumiko leaves in a puff of smoke] Johnny: KEEP IT REAL! [Johnny hover-boards out to the main entrance, screaming all the way] Q'ah: Behold, thee, we shall meet again! [Q'ah decends directly into the ground.] James Earl Jones (voiceover): This is James Earl Jones [Audience bursts into mad applause] James Earl Jones (voiceover): saying goodnight and Merry Christmas from the Interdimensional House of Pancakes. --------------------------------------- The Interdimensional House of Pancakes would like to extend their thanks to the following: - Jazzware, for making their midi sequencer freeware - The Eliza team, Vanessa-Mae, Trent Reznor, the Majora's Mask team, James Earl Jones, the Lords of Chaos, the announcer from Starship Troopers, and the United States of America for their 'participation' in this whole mess - Yahoo!! E-Groups, for nothing - British Telecommunications, for always telling me what time it is in London - Whoever is responsible for the Excel '97 Flight Simulator - Michael Sipser and Robert Gauldin - The Two Biggest Losers on Campus - Sebastian Bernier Dodier of SebSoft - The Mystical City of Kajar - Paul Hindemith - Hazardous Software - The Sydney 2,000 Olympics Committee - "Slayer," "Bug," "Aiur," "Pika-fu," "Blue Death," and "Das Boot" - Shawn Hargreaves - M.C. Escher - Daknit, Bard of Justice - The Justice League of Valparaiso - The 'Secretary-With-The-Head-Of-Death' from Perfect Dark - Yuji Naka - Halflight - Judge Judy - The Seeker from True Meaning of Life - M. Night Shyamalan - The Porcupine Mountains Ski Area - The Planet Anara - J.S. Bach - Beyond Petroleum - Rinoa's Limit Break - Jymn Magon - Our Live Studio Audience - Pronouncing Linux "Linux" - The first and third laws of thermodynamics (but not the second) - Kurt Gödel - Trevor's Chevette - The Holy Spirit, through which all things are possible - ICanShopOnline.com - Daggoth and Zasz - The Mayan Calendar feature in Emacs - The Milwaukee Youth Symphony Orchestra - Dirt - avoir, faire, and être - Unicode code point U+0A86 (Gujarati Letter AA) - Koholint Island - That One Scene from Payback