Round 7

Lower Placement Rounds

15th Place: Vanessa-Mae 18, FDR 9

13th Place: Weird Al 10 (by decision), Zaphod 10

11th Place: Samus 17, Lancelot 10

9th Place: Megaman 14, Frodo 13

Coming back from a Round 4 loss, Megaman met up with Frodo in the darkest parts of Mordor. Not even the One Ring could muster up enough power to stop the impressive arsenal Megaman had acquired from his previously defeated foes.

7th Place: El Mariachi 14, Link III 11

Returning once more to Hyrule, a few centuries later, El Mariachi caught up with Link. "Don't I know you from somewhere? You look really familiar."

Link, who just generally doesn't talk, didn't answer, and did some cool spin moves with the Master Sword, but El Mariachi followed up with a John Woo-style spin move with a sawed-off shotgun, handing the Hylian Knight one more defeat.

5th Place: William Wallace 19, J. S. Bach 9

Bach travelled into the Scottish Highlands on Tour, bringing with him a cool 19-part fugue. Wallace and his kinsmen followed it up with a Scottish folk melody on the bagpipes. (Of course, the German Folk Bagpipe Metal group In Extremo played a set afterwards, but we'll get to them some other day).

Afterwards, Wallace congratulated Bach on the concert. "Aye, ye've got an impressive noggin'... It's a shame I'm gonna have ta bust it up. FREEEEEEDOM!!!!"

Bronze Medal: Indiana Jones 16, Jackie Chan 10

Frustrated by his recent defeat, Indiana Jones headed back to that great big government warehouse full of sacred artifacts. Likewise frustrated, Jackie Chan headed to the nearest abandoned warehouse he could find, and they just happened to be the same one.

Indy didn't really want to talk, so he just started whipping Jackie, who tried to do some crazy catch-the-whip-in-his-hand stuff, but Indy just shook his head and said, "No, I'm too good."

So, Jackie resorted to his classic pick-up-everything-in-reach thing, found the lid to something, and hit Indy square on the face with it. Just happened that it was the lid to the Ark of the Covenant, and Jackie got slapped around a bit by the Hand of God.

Champion: Obi-Wan Kenobi 20, Li Mu Bai 10

The mysterious forces of Destiny brought Obi-Wan Kenobi to the Interdimensional House of Pancakes late last night. He had hardly enough time to say that he "had a bad feeling about this," when Li Mu Bai entered the hall.

The Jedi Master with his Lightsaber, and the Wudan Fighter with Green Destiny said nothing as they drew their weapons and let their distinctive hums speak for them. At long last, Li Mu Bai had met up with a sword that Green Destiny couldn't cleave in two -- a sword of pure energy, and, hey, nothing beats pure energy. Although the two spent almost seven minutes just doing flips and flying around, they eventually got around to some swordfighting.

"The Force is strong in you," Kenobi conceded, "but you are nothing without Green Destiny!" He did a nifty Force telekinesis thing, tossing the legendary sword into the crowd (who thought this was all part of the dinner show).

Rather than chase after the sword, Li Mu Bai accepted the challenge. "Very well, we shall fight without weapons." Obi-Wan figured it was only fair, handed his Lightsaber off to the coat checker, and engaged Mu Bai in a fist fight. Things looked good for the Wudan fighter at the beginning, until Obi-Wan resorted to an all-but-lost arcane technique: The Jedi Force-Backhand, effectively making Li his bitch.

Victorious, cheered on by the crowd, Obi-Wan ascended to the rank of Champion.