Round 2

Narrow victory for El Mariachi

Gorman, who witnessed the fight, tells the tale: "Man, I'm glad to be alive right now. I was up a few towns away, you know, Clock Town? I was visiting a bar there, not unlike this one. They serve milk, not quite as good as this, but close. I saw something there you wouldn't believe. So, this guy takes a seat at the bar, asks the bartender for Chateau Romani, sits back and says nothing. I wasn't interested in his drink. Nope, I was interested in what he was carrying. Some sort of suitcase or something. He sat that thing on the stool beside him, as if it was his girl. Then all of a sudden this kid walks in. Little white fairy following him. Little guy, but you could tell by his face he meant business.

"So the stranger jumps off the stool like you wouldn't believe. He grabs his case and dives in the middle of the floor. He's up in two shakes, pulling God knows what out of the case, but it was the biggest hand cannon I've ever fucking seen. And this kid -- he's got a case of his own, but he grabs a mask out of it, and transforms right before my eyes. If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was the devil himself.

"I was frozen stiff, all I could do was watch as these two THINGS tore the place apart. Guns. Swords. The works. But neither one seemed to be able to hit his target. Until the kid made a mistake. So, he takes a mad dash at the tall one, flailing his sword like a maniac, and he must have gotten himself dizzy or something, because he was looking around like he couldn't figure out where he was... and then, boom, fight was over. The stranger picked up his guitar case, paid, and left."

When asked if the bartender survived the fray, he said, "Naw, man, Mr. Barten got it worse than anybody."

One-sided slaughters in the Division of Vengeance
The Force was not strong in Valentine Michael Smith -- the Man from Mars -- as Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Master, brutally defeated smith 23-0 with lightsaber ablaze and Jedi Mind Tricks out the wazoo. Smith is in his room, trying to grok the fullness of his defeat. Link I followed suit with a 22-0 victory over the twisted genetic experiment known as Mewtwo. Link declined to comment, but his personal trainer -- the old man -- told us that "Secret is in the direction of the arrow."

"@#$&%!," says Q*Bert.
William Wallace trounced Q*Bert in the Scottish Highlands, despite many valiant attempts by the bouncing orange hero to entice Wallace to jump off mountain cliffs. William proceeded to consume Q*Bert with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse. After his victory, he ran to the top of Q*Bert's home, Cube Mountain, and gave a very touching "FREEEEEEDOM!" speech.

Crouching Tiger, Purple Dragon
A mid-round score for Spyro kicked Li Mu Bai off of his perfect record, but still couldn't pose enough threat to the Wudan master to give him a run for his money.

Bach premeires "Psionic Suite in D" on Shakuras
Not even the trained psionic energies of Zeratul, one of the strongest Dark Templar, could resist J.S. Bach's raw fugal power. "What polyphony is this!?" shouted Zeratul upon hearing the opening measures to Bach's improvised counterpoint. "As I approached the pipe organ, I beheld the psionic essence of Bach. Beholding a mind such as I have never seen before, I knew this was a battle I could not win, and quickly retreated into the shadows."