Highlights
King of the Koopas found dead in Canadian wilderness
Bowser, the King of the Koopas, was found dead and mutilated somewhere in the middle of Canada last night. Though the cause is still speculative, forensic analysts say that his shell must have been cut by an incredibly strong metal. Certain US Senators have linked this incident to a "mutant" threat that they say "must be stopped before they kill us all." As for the identity of the killer, police have only a single report where a witness saw a figure with totally out-of-control hair wearing bright yellow spandex in the area shortly after the time of the attack.
Grammaton Cleric Eliminates South Park Supervillian
John Preston, Grammaton Cleric First Class, was sent on a mission to South Park, Colorado, to terminate Professor Chaos, whose zany antics were deemed to be a threat by the state of Libria. Though Professor Chaos had an elaborate scheme set up to stop him involving freezing the world by leaving his refrigerator and freezer door open, Preston's Gun Kata style prevailed over his diabolical plans.
Tetsuo defeats Voldo in "Very Icky Battle"
Tetsuo Shima, world-renowned pulsating evil blob, was confronted in the streets of Neo-Tokyo by Voldo, slave to Vercci, the Merchant of Death, who had been released to yet again search for the evil soul blade. We know that Tetsuo emerged victorious from the fight, but reporters have been unable to find any details of the fight itself, as all would-be on-lookers said that the very idea of those two fighting was just too gross and that they didn't care to watch.