Results for Quarterfinals
Highlights
Shocking New Video Reveals Truth About JFK Assassination
A previously unreleased video, kept in the secret government vault next to the Ark of the Covenant, was leaked onto YouTube earlier this week. The video shows John F. Kennedy's motorcade being stopped by a Black Knight, who challenged the president to hand-to-hand combat.
Secret Service agents attempted to detain the mysterious knight, but after they grabbed his arms, they ripped clean off as the knight charged straight for the president, and proceeded to kick and headbutt him repeatedly.
A Department of Misinformation spokesperson commented on this video, saying, "it was just so undignified a way to go, we figured we'd be honoring the president more by making up some assassination stories and fostering conspiracy theories."
Quiddich World Cup Marred by Murder
A somber mood followed this year's Quiddich World Cup, which was held in an unchartable area in the Canadian territory of Nunavut, as beloved Hogwarts gamekeeper was found clawn and torn to shreds, apparently at the hands of the mutant Wolverine.
"It all happened so fast," one onlooker told reporters, "one minute, Hagrid's just walking along, then next, some guy in the strangest costume shouts something like, 'time to cut you down to size, bub,' and then claws him apart. He was gone before I could even draw my wand to help."
Kratos slays Westley in Pit of Despair
Westley, who had been arrested by Prince Humperdinck, found himself in a secret underground torture chamber.
As Westley came to, he noticed an imposing figure at the doorway. "Where am I?" he asked.
Kratos answered, "The pit of despair. Don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. Don't dream of being rescued, either. The gods of Olympus have abandoned you, and now there is no hope."
"So," inquired Westley, "I'm here 'till I die?"
"Until I kill you," Kratos answered, as he drew the Blades of Chaos and Westley drew the sword that the guards forgot to confiscate. Westley was putting up a decent fight, too, until Kratos tore his right arm off. He tried his best fighting with his left, but, well, he's not left handed, and Kratos made quick work of him from that point.
Alliance Fugitive kills British Secret Service Agent, Still at Large
MI-6, who had agreed to help out the Alliance in their search for fugitives River and Simon Tam, selected Agent 007 to travel to the planet Haven where River was rumored to have been seen before. Bond (who had, in lieu of the typical suite of gadgets, been issued only a pair of blue rubber gloves for this mission) set out for Haven. Upon arrival, he was ready for a drink, so he ordered a martini (shaken, not stirred) from a local bar, and then logged onto the Cortex to try to track down some information.
It just so happened River was not only on-world at the time, but right behind him. She spied his blue gloves, and that tripped some memories and she went into 'violence' mode and proceeded to rip Bond a new one using a rusty spaceship part as a makeshift axe.
Gollum/Sméagol Fights Self
In a somewhat pitiful matchup, Gollum/Sméagol's inner conflict drove himself to hand-to-hand combat today. Apparently, the stress of fighting demons, robotic nuisances, dragons, secret agents, and a whole host of wretched souls, had reached critical mass. After punching himself repeatedly, babbling on about "we thoughts they were our friends," and then "you don't have any friends!," it appears that the Gollum side of his personality eventually beat Sméagol into submission.
Wolverine
Hagrid
Kratos
Westley
River
Bond
Black Knight
JFK
Khan
Gordon
The Bride
Raphael
Jack Sparrow
Snake Eyes
Leia
Red XIII
Gollum
Sméagol
Medusa
Cervantes
Aeon
Fruit Fucker
Jadis
Flea