I present to you, in one convenient location, both my NCAA "March Madness" tournament prediction bracket and my Oscar predictions, with the caveat that I have no frakking clue what I am talking about in either arena.

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Maybe it's the pair of surgeries or the string of maladies I've encountered recently that have kept me on the couch more than I'm accustomed to, and I'm just antsy to get out and do something. Maybe it's just because I like the snow. Whatever the reason, Vancouver 2010 has been, for me, the "I gotta try that sometime" Games.

Let's do a sport-by-sport breakdown...

Downhill skiing -- I've skied downhill before (never competitively), but the fact is it's been way too long. I haven't been on the slopes since before I moved to Madison six years ago, and I think they're kinda calling to me.

Cross-Country skiing -- OK, this one I already do. Again, not competitively or anything, but I do make good on my intentions to get out at least a few times each winter. But that leads into XC's weird cross-breed cousin...

Biathlon -- Now, I haven't in my life fired anything more powerful than a paintball gun, and would likely royally boff the shooting segment.... but the combination of intense cardio peppered with stages of calm and concentration has got me genuinely intrigued. In my head, I have this idea of setting up a row of cans in Olin Park and roller skating there from Monona Terrace with a BB Gun on my back. In my head, however, this scenario also does not involve me getting arrested. Maybe it'd be safer to set something up flipping between Dance Dance Revolution and the Wii Play shooting range?

Halfpipe, Freestyle skiing and Ski jump -- These three... I... think I'll leave to the Olympians.

Alpine Snowboarding -- Years of playing Snowboard Kids may have left me with unrealistic expectations for the sport. But it'd be fun to try sometime.

Figure Skating -- so... I'm in stocking feet. And I have wood floors. If you don't think I throw down toe loops and salchows every time I walk to the kitchen when I'm alone, you clearly haven't been spying on me.

Short Track Speed Skating -- if I'm gonna try anything like this, I'm going to have wheels on my feet, I'm going to have teammates, and I'm going to be allowed to hit people who try to pass me.

Ice Hockey -- Again... it's a different kind of skating than I'm used to. But they also arm you with sticks in this sport. And I know I've got a handful of friends that wouldn't at all mind seeing me on the ice... we'll see...

Curling -- Don't laugh, but I actually kinda like to watch curling. For reals, yo. It's nothing I'd ever go nuts over, but I've kinda got an itch to try it some time. I guess the local curling club has an open house in March, too... anyone else tempted to them up on their offer?

Luge / Skeleton -- ZOMG NO FEAR

I never thought I had control issues before... but maybe it's time to admit that I have a problem:

(Not pictured: 3 decommissioned DDR mats, a couple spare NES and Genesis controllers, and the Playstation 1 controllers I forgot about until after I had started putting things away)

OK so here's the deal. I'm assembling a task force because I'm sitting here and realizing that we need more super nintendo games that are kinda like the legend of zelda, except with lesbians in them. Like, pg-rated or whatever i'm not talking about stupid hentai bullshit or anything, don't worry, just, like, you know, you're a princess rescuing this other princess instead of that lame sappy totally not beleivable thing they did in dragon warrior where the princess was just sitting around being useless or whatever and then she's all like love me or you can't go on with the rest of the game, but you totatlly don't love her and you don't even have a name, really. but so anyways i'm just sitting here supposed to be getting some rest and i kinda wanted to play zelda 3 because it's a good game, but i kinda didn't wanna play it 'cause I've just played it like 60 times, I mean I guess I could download some ZC quests and play those or something... but anyways. They need more adventure games where you play as a chick. 'cause, what, you've got Metroid, and you've got Izuna, and Tron Bonne, and, like, Portal or whatever, and I guess heavenly sword and mirror's edge but I don't have some of those games and ok i guess there's a few but none of them are really like zelda and that's what I want to play right now.

so like... task force.

yeah. I'm assembling a task force. But not like the lame-ass political kind of task force. Well actually kind of like that, but also fucking bad-ass, and we're gonna march on washington and also probably the kremlin, and we're gonna fucking change this world just like we're taking it by storm. And this is who we need on it.

1. Me. It's my task force so i just get to be on it, just humor me.

2. We need someone who is extreme. I'm thinking we go with that one girl who lost the gold medal in snowboard cross in torino because she was just too extreme to not do a trick in the final stretch.

3. We need someone who can communicate our agenda to the world by rocking the fuck out. I'm thinking either the lead singer from Halestorm, Melora Creager, or The Edge.

4. We need someone who is thug. Is Jay-Z thug? I don't know my rappers very well.

5. We need Eliza Dushku because she is way freaking hot. If we can't get Eliza, then Devon Aoki or Christina Hendricks will do fine.

6. We need someone who knows how to work the system. Probably Martha Stewart, because, yeah, sure, she got caught, but she hasn't been back to prison since then so I guess that means she learned from her mistakes.

7. I want a Tesla Roadster. And I want it painted pink, dammit.

8. We need a ninja. I'm thinking probably Serena Williams because everybody knows that all tennis players are really ninjas in disguise and they all hide wakizashi in their tennis racquets and on the pro tour the tennis balls are actually C4.

9. We need a pirate -- now, I know what you're thinking, cathy's totally team Ninja, what kind of drugs do they have her on to make her want a pirate on her task force... but that's just it, this isn't about me, it's about changing the fucking world, and I'm willing to reach across the aisle to get this done.

10. We need a l33t hax0r. And nobody has more cred than Ada Lovelace. She was coding before computers even friggin' existed.

11. We need someone who can think outside the box, ideally whoever it was that invented Bacon Salt.

12. We need one more person to round out the team but it needs to be an everyday Jane/John Doe that nobody has heard of before, we'll just have a twitter contest or some shit and pull the name randomly out of the hat.

Tipsy Velvet's derby mascot debut is close at hand, and I've taken the time to present this question-and-answer to those of you who have not yet had the pleasure of seeing roller derby in action.

Q: You talk about roller derby all the time and you've piqued my interest. When can I see it for myself?

A: Good question! The Mad Rollin' Dolls 2010 season opener is this Saturday, January 23rd, at the Coliseum. Doors open at 5pm. You can see the rest of their schedule at http://www.madrollindolls.com/

Q: So what is roller derby, anyways?

A: Only the most awesome thing ever.

Q: Is roller derby anything at all like the 2002 movie Rollerball starring LL Cool J?

A: No.

Q: Well then, what is it like?

A: Start with speed skating, then give each skater an offensive line and make it full contact, and you've got the basic idea. One skater on each team, the "jammer," wears a star on her helmet and gets points for lapping opposing skaters. The other four skaters on each team make up the "pack," and it's their job to help their own jammer through and hold their opponent's jammer behind.

This is the ultra-condensed explanation and although this is all you really need to know to start watching derby, I've left out some key rules. For more gritty details you can delve into WFTDA's Derby 101 or Derby News Network's Roller Derby Basics, and usually you can find some information about the rules in the program for whatever bout you're attending.

Q: Who is Tipsy Velvet?

A: That's me! One fun part of the tradition and unique character of roller derby is assuming a 'derby name,' and that's mine.

Q: Have you ever been kicked in the face?

A: No.

Q: So, about this Saturday... who are the Mad Rollin' Dolls playing against?

A: The Mad Rollin' Dolls are not a team, but a league made up of six teams. Four of these teams are 'home' teams and play primarily against each other: Saturday's bout is a double header featuring two match-ups of these four local teams.

Q: So which of these teams are you on?

A: I'm a mascot for the Vaudeville Vixens. We're the defending champions this year and we have a decidedly pro-pink-hair agenda.

Q: A mascot? I thought you were skating -- all last summer you were talking about derby practice. What up?

A: I tried out last year, and made it as far as their training camp ("Baby Dolls"), but at the end of the summer I did not make it onto any team. But I stayed involved with the league, was offered a sweet mascot gig, and I do plan to try out again for the next season.

Q: Umm... is it OK if I wait until you're actually skating to come see a bout?

A: But then you'll miss my sure-to-be fabulous performance as a mascot! Not only that, but derby is a fast-paced sport, and there's a lot going on at once. Your first time watching you might not know what's going on... if you get a head start on your derby education, you'll enjoy it more when I eventually take to the track. And besides... roller derby is awesome and amazing even without my presence. And do remember, this is a highly-ranked league and one of the first in the country. If you come to a MRD bout, you're not just seeing roller derby, you're guaranteed to see roller derby done well.

Q: I'd love to go, but Madison's a bit far for me...

A: Then check out your local league -- there are leagues popping up everywhere, and chances are there's one somewhere in your area code. I could name over a dozen leagues within a five hour drive of me and that's just off the top of my head.